At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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