The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
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she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
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remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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