you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
