put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
There's always time for handjobs
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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