Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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