you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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