everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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