Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
