Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Sext me about skeletons
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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