I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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