beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
