I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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