I just saw a hot homeless man
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
