Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
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This show inspires me to have sex in space
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
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C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
God I need to hump something, right now.
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