I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
