Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
