It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
