Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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