I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
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I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
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That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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