so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
