Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She needs sedatives and a leash
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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