fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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