Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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