my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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