You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
