you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
