just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
