We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
