He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
