I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
