if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
