Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
