woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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