There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
