my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
My pussy is not your playground.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
