while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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