i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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