if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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