i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
