I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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