Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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