I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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