Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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