my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
