the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
