I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
