this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
