We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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