Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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