6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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