Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
