"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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