Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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