We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
