I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
