Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Randomize
