im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Randomize
