saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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