I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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