You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
