I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
