Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
