Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
