The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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